le chérie avec les yeux, le sourire & un secret

ever-clear.

Why did I do this to myself? Because I didn’t want to deal with the reality of what was happening to me. I was tired of hearing the thoughts I had in my head, tired of listening to the thoughts in my head: you’re not good enough, you’re not anything, you’re trapped here. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to remember why I was so depressed in the first place. I didn’t want to think about the fact that I was trapped in a prison of my guardians’ fears and assumptions; I didn’t want to be reminded that I was alone, that I’ll be alone when I wake up, and longer after that.

I didn’t want to think.

I didn’t want to see.

I didn’t want to breathe.

so I stopped.

I smothered the life inside of me for as long as I could.

because that’s the only way you’ll ever stop thinking.